I used to have a different blog during high school and early college that I mostly reserved for random musings and all my little anecdotes and deep thoughts. 🙂 Although I totally love where Just Bee is at right now, sometimes I find myself wanting to just dump it all out on a virtual page here. So, that’s where today’s post is coming from. 😉
Thoughts on Baby Girl’s Due Date
With today being baby girl’s due date, I’m feeling more antsy, nervous, excited, and geared up than ever before. It’s weird that the day is finally here!
It feels surreal to me, still – the fact that God has created my body to literally grow another human being! I grew a person! (If I had any doubt before that there’s a little person in me, when she kicks my ribs, I know for sure.) 🙂 And I know it’ll continue to soak in once Bjorn and I meet this precious little one. It just blows my mind, too, that more than being a person, BB is a living soul. What a blessing and a privilege (and huge responsibility) to nurture another human soul.
I have no idea if baby will decide to join us today. Or tomorrow. Or if she wants to wait till next week. The average first-time mother goes late, anyway, according to my doctor. I’ve been thinking this whole time that she’d come early, but clearly that was not how things turned out! Maybe some of my thinking she’d come early stemmed from the fact that I didn’t think I could get any larger! Ha! I have proven that wrong!
I’ll be honest – I grew very anxious last night. I made the mistake of reading a supposedly “helpful” blog post “for first-time moms” and instead was flooded with stories of painful experiences. Just to “prepare” new moms. I know that I brought this anxiety on myself – after all, I’m the one clicking articles that I know will most likely worry me, and I’ve been the one Googling my fears earlier in this pregnancy – but it still is tough. We new moms WANT to learn, and want to be prepared, so we click on things that are worded in ways that we think will help prepare us. And it’s frustrating to me how much women don’t talk about the empowering, beautiful, strong, hard-but-worth-it stories of labor/birth. It feels similar to how people exchange their worst wisdom teeth stories: You think your story’s bad? Well, here’s what happened to me! In the end, think of someone sitting there who has an appointment to get their wisdom teeth out. How will they feel? Certainly not reassured.
I’m in a private moms’ Facebook group and I asked for empowering, positive stories, because I told them some of us need to hear the GOOD, uplifting stories – but I was told by some that they think it’s important to share the bad stories. I know there’s a time and a place to share those – because everyone’s story is important – but the general feeling I got was that of “you need to know just how bad it all can get, so you know what could happen.” I’m pretty well-versed on what all could happen, and it’s not helpful to me.
It’s common in our culture to villify the birth experience. Even the parenting experience. Labor, birth, the toddler phase, the teenager phase… We expect it to be terrible. So at this point, why don’t we women support and encourage each other – encourage first-time moms – that it’s all worth it and most likely all the worst-case scenarios won’t happen to you?? It’s not a contest as to who had the longest, most arduous labor with the worst hospital staff and the worst recovery. (Can you tell I’m frustrated?) Luckily, this is teaching me something. I don’t want to be one of those women, regardless of how my labor/birth story goes. I’m already inspired to encourage other women – in pregnancy, in marriage, in life – and now, I want to be someone who doesn’t get a thrill from sharing a traumatic story just for the shock value of it. I want to uplift and empower others – not freak them out!
** Note: I have heard some good, empowering labor/birth stories, but I’m speaking to the overall atmosphere of moms saying how bad it was for them.
At this point, I’m feeling that end-of-pregnancy discouragement and overwhelm. It is a huge responsibility to care for another human being, and despite all of Bjorn’s and my experience with years of molding young minds in the classroom, parenting is a whole new ball game. So are newborns. 🙂 Some of this has to do with hormones, I’m sure, but it’s hard to picture how I’m going to handle it all! Bjorn and I are so determined to be good parents. We are so determined to do a good job raising this little soul – to know God, to be a kind, thoughtful, capable person. We talk about this all the time. With God’s help, I know we can do this journey of parenthood together.
Know that I am NOT complaining about pregnancy. For the most part, I have loved being pregnant! It has been such a blessing to me – her little stretches and her cute hiccups – reminders of God the Creator and the part I get to take in it. I am THRILLED that God has gifted us with this darling baby girl! We are so darn excited to meet her and get to know who she is. Bjorn is going to be the best papa bear and I know she will have him wrapped around her finger. Will she have hair? (Maybe.) Will she have really blue eyes? (Most likely.) Will she be quiet and content? Or watchful and thoughtful? Or alert and antsy and active? (Who knows!) But what we do know is that we’ll love her forever, and with an intensity we can’t even imagine right now.
My pregnancy experiences have essentially encompassed an entire year. Maybe that’s why I’ve felt like I’ve been pregnant a whole 12 months – I almost have been. We got pregnant in October 2016, and now that little one is living with Jesus. After our miscarriage in November last year, I was filled with fear – fear that something could be “wrong” with me, fear that we wouldn’t be blessed with a little one of our own. But discovering last winter that we were pregnant again was such a beautiful blessing. This October then becomes a month of hope and promise and a new kind of anticipation. It’s like a redemption month. We have made it to 40 weeks! It is a beautiful gift to be given 40 whole weeks with this little girl in my belly, after such a short time with the other little one we lost. And we know that God is the ultimate keeper of this little baby, too. I am grateful for every day of this pregnancy that God has given me – that He has given us. Baby girl has already brought us so much joy. I just know that October 2017 is going to be a beautiful month full of God’s hand and answered prayers.
Where does that leave us today? I’m resting on the couch. And staring at the clock, haha. Because this week has been full of extraneous nesting tasks like extra loads of laundry, repacking the hospital bag again, prepping more frozen smoothie bags, stocking the pantry (why am I buying so many cases of Lacroix?!), organizing the mail, getting rid of recycling, vacuuming the living room again…
The house is essentially spotless (I caught myself washing the window above the kitchen sink yesterday and told myself to calm down, haha). The freezer is stocked. The nursery is gorgeous and organized. Her clothes are washed. Her little diapers are ready on the changing table. The car seat is ready. The hospital bag (and final “grab ‘n’ go” list) awaits. The pantry is stocked. The stroller and electric swing and baby sling and bassinet and everything is ready and waiting. It’s the most crazy anticipation.
Have I mentioned we seriously cannot wait?! Bjorn and I have dreamed of this little girl for such a long time – we always thought we’d have a girl first. We’ve always agreed on her first name. We have always loved her – already!
So, with bags packed and everything as ready as it can get, we wait. We lean on God’s timing – because goodness knows, HIS TIMING IS BEST. Again, I am being taught that my Plan A may not be God’s Plan A…and that’s a good thing! Never have I griped about His timing when I view a situation in hindsight. Our doctor is out of town right now. But baby may come anyway. We may have to deliver at a different hospital. But that is okay, too. We have a lot on our calendar already. But God will see us through as we prioritize Him and what’s important. We may even have to be induced. But God’s got this.
While I may have wanted to have the baby a week or so ago, God is the Author of her life story and I’m not going to wrench the pen from His grasp. After all, the stories He pens are best.
Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.
– Psalm 27:14
I wait for the LORD, my soul does wait, and in His word do I hope.
– Psalm 130:5
Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him.
– Lamentations 3:22-25
He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young.
– Isaiah 40:11